The Other Half Lives
by Patti, Rae, Rob, and Spring - Summer of 2003
Chapter 3 – Buffy's Battle of the Bulge
(Rob)
by Patti, Rae, Rob, and Spring - Summer of 2003
Chapter 3 – Buffy's Battle of the Bulge
(Rob)
Spike simply stared at Buffy, frozen in place.
"What me where, now?"
"Gay you up. You know, so we can still be together."
"I don't know it’s that--"
"In knew it. You don't want me any more!" Buffy's lip was quivering again.
"I didn't say that, luv. We just need to take some time and explore our options."
"I'm still me, Spike. Just a little . . . different, that's all."
"Right. Of course. I know that. It's just . . . maybe we should go talk to Willow in person."
"No way! I'm not going anywhere like this!"
"Buffy, we can't stay here forever. Plus, it's still dark outside. You'll have to move about in daylight otherwise."
The Slayer folded his hairy arms.
"Fine. We'll go to my house, at which point I will stay there for the rest of my life."
He sighed. "Come on, then."
Spike grabbed the bagels and coffee and they left the room, making their way to his bike. As they got on, Buffy grimaced slightly. She adjusted herself on the seat. Still uncomfortable, she kicked one leg to the side. Spike turned his head.
"Everything all right back there?"
"Yes, I was just . . . straightening things out."
Spike waited for a beat.
"Right then, off we go."
He kick-started the machine, and they roared off into the darkness.
Willow hadn't moved an inch since she'd hung up the phone, trying to absorb all the new information. Buffy sleeping with Spike wasn't really that much of a shock; whenever they were in the same room there'd been an obvious tension that Willow couldn't put a finger on. This morning's revelation made everything else fall into place.
On the other hand, Buffy as a man . . . that was a little more difficult to handle. In truth, she didn't know if a spell existed that could change one's sexual preference. Man-Buffy had been so agitated that Willow had mentioned the idea simply to calm her . . . or him . . . or whatever. Finally Willow willed herself to move. With no other ideas springing to mind, she picked up the phone for a second opinion.
Buffy sat on the rear of the bike, mind working furiously. <What am I going to say at the job? I'm off for two days, but eventually I'll have to go back in there. Hormone imbalance, maybe? Yeah, that'd work. NOT.>
Her thoughts were interrupted when Spike ran his bike through a pothole, causing Buffy to tighten her grip around his waist. <Mmmmm . . . muscle-y abs>, he thought with a soft smile. Suddenly his eyes widened and he looked down.
Spike frowned as he felt pressure against his lower back . . . then his face morphed into horror.
"Bloody Hell! Buffy!"
"I'm sorry," the Slayer wailed. "I can't make it stop!"
"Yes you can! Just . . . think of something that might distract you!"
"Like what?"
"Uhhh . . . Slaying! Think about fighting evil things!!"
The warmth against his spine increased.
"Right, then! Bad example! Hang on a moment!"
He considered a moment. "Baseball! I read somewhere that American men think about baseball!! Try that!"
"OK!!" <Baseball. Guys in uniforms with tight pants. Swinging around hard wooden shafts.>
"Buffy, does everything turn you on?! Good God!!"
"It's not my fault!! I'm a guy!! We need a better distraction!! And stop yelling at me!!"
"We're on a sodding motorcycle! I have to yell at you!"
"Right! Sorry!"
Spike rolled his eyes and tried to think.
"Try this! Your grandmum with no clothes on!!"
"Eww. That's nasty!"
"It's supposed to be! Go with that!! Think about it!! Think about your naked grandmum . . . with, um . . . open sores! Yes! Open sores all over her naked skin!!"
"Do I have to do this every time I get . . . one of these, because I think I'm going to throw up!!"
The bike turned sharply down Revello Drive and pulled in. Spike abruptly cut the engine and quickly dismounted, grabbing the breakfast and trotting for the door since daylight was fast approaching. Buffy grimaced as she got off the bike and stiffly walked to the front porch.
She was deeply disturbed to find Willow, Xander, Anya, and Dawn all squished together to get a close look. The former vengeance demon, as always, couldn't help herself.
"Buffy, is that you in there?"
The Slayer sighed. "Yes, it's me."
"Look Xander, Buffy has an erection!"
He nodded in agreement, barely able to keep the smile off his face.
"Hey Buff, is that a stake in your pocket, or . . . "
"Shut up right now or I'm going to use your face as a test of whether or not I can still hurt people. Seems becoming a man does more than make your voice crack. You get all weak too."
She looked to Willow, arms folded.
"You just had to call the entire crew, didn't you?"
"Buffy, I thought since this was a vengeful act I should call a professional. I thought she could help."
Dawn was wide eyed.
"Buffy . . . is that really you?"
"Yes Dawn, it's me. We're going to figure out a way to fix this."
Buffy looked to Willow and Anya.
"Aren't we?"
The former demon answered.
"Actually, Willow was right when she said we need to know what spell was used. If we can track down this bitter stalker person, then we can find something to work with."
She brightened.
"Until then, you can explore what it means to be a man. I read in Cosmo that men have a much easier time in human society. Don't worry about physical reactions. They're perfectly natural. Healthy males under the age of thirty five think about sex an average of fifty times per day. I know for a fact Xander gets many erections. Sometimes all that's required is friction of some kind."
She smiled proudly as Xander paled.
"Anya, no one wants to hear about that."
"He told me that he gets one every time I walk into a room."
"Anya!"
Buffy shook her head and addressed Willow.
"Where's Spike?"
"He went into the kitchen. Last time I looked he was shuddering a little."
Buffy's eyes watered. "I knew it! He thinks I'm disgusting."
The Gang said nothing for a moment. Willow's revelation was only a few minutes old, and they were all on information overload at the present time. Finally Dawn took her sibling's hand and spoke in a reassuring tone.
"It'll be ok. If it makes you feel better, you're a majorly hot guy."
"Yeah." Buffy was smiling a little. "I noticed that. I AM pretty smokin'." It quickly faded as she noticed everyone's stare. "But I don't want it to stay that way."
Xander grinned at her. "Hey, being a guy isn't all that bad. Sure, it'll be an adjustment--if I were you the first one would be in your pants at the moment--but you'll deal. Heck, you might even learn something about us if you spend some time on the Y side of things."
Anya smiled brightly. "Also, it's much easier for a man to achieve an orgasm." She rolled her eyes. "I can't tell you how many times Xander couldn't hold back before I--"
"Anya!"
Buffy walked past them. "Let's go see how Spike is holding up."
The vampire was seated at the kitchen table, smoking a cigarette. When Buffy walked in he removed it with shaking fingers.
"Feeling better? Less"--he took the fastest possible glance at the Slayer's zipper--"constricted?"
"Pretty much California raisin territory once my whole family greeted me at the door."
"Right. Sorry. No wait . . . not sorry at all actually."
The rest of the Gang filed in behind, taking positions around the kitchen counter, facing Buffy and Spike as they exchanged their first genuine smile of the morning, albeit a weak one. Dawn, for one, couldn't wait to hear more about Buffy and Spike's recent penchant for the secret romantic rendezvous.
The Slayer slumped into a chair opposite him and put his head in his hands. Willow turned to Anya.
"So . . . you never did a primeval sex change in your demon days?"
"Nope. That's one area I never touched on . . . so to speak. Did a lot of removals, mind you . . . but no outright changes."
"Removals? As in . . . "
Spike, Xander and Buffy simultaneously crossed their legs. As Anya was about to be more specific a bleary eyed Slayer came through the doorway.
"Do you people have any idea what time it is? I have a night job that keeps me out till 2 o'clock in the friggin AM, and none of you have the decency to at least be quiet when--"
Faith broke off as her eyes fell on the new face.
"What's Justin Timberlake doing in the kitchen?"
Dawn's eyes widened.
"Oh my God, you DO look like him."
Buffy addressed Faith.
"Faith, it's me. It's Buffy."
Faith's face didn't change expression.
"Ok. I smell bagels."
"That's IT? That's all you're going to say?"
"Whaddaya want me to say? Somebody obviously put some kinda spell on you . . . well, that, or you seriously wanted to change the look."
"You think I WANT to look this way?"
Faith tilted her head as she searched for cream cheese. "I was in prison, B. That whole gender thing gets a little blurry in the joint, if you know what I'm sayin'. If I hadn't been pardoned for saving the warden during that riot, I wouldn't know one from the other by now. Plus, have you checked the mirror? You're gorgeous, B. You even kept the perfect hair."
Buffy smiled and touched her locks. "Really?"
Spike exploded.
"HELLO!! Is everyone here high? I want Buffy back, please! Could someone focus on the bleeding problem, already?!"
They stared at him collectively. Finally Willow spoke up.
"Do you have any ideas?"
"Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do. We find the wanker who gave Buffy"—he gestured toward the blonde Slayer--"a wanker of her very own. Then we threaten to remove his if he doesn't remove hers. Simple enough? Think you all can suss that out?"
Buffy felt the need to hold his hand and comfort him, but caught himself. Instead he spoke as soothingly as possible so that the Gang wouldn't freak out too much.
"That's a good idea. We'll find him. He can't stay away from the Doublemeat for more than a day. I'm sure he'll show up there."
The Gang began to talk amongst themselves as Buffy slipped out. Xander caught her leaving out of the corner of his eye and followed, not wishing to hear Anya asking Spike for all the gory details of his . . . relations with Buffy.
"Buff . . . "
The adorable young man stared at Xander. <The eyes are the same>, Xander thought.
"So . . . you and Spike?"
Buffy held up his hands. "We don't have time for this, Xander."
"I'm not trying to start anything. This has been a crazy time for all of us. It's just . . . look, we need to talk once you're a girl again, ok?"
Buffy sighed. "Yeah, I guess. Ok."
"So, are you all right?"
Buffy simply stared. Xander shrugged in his own defense. "I realize that sounds like a stupid question . . . I guess I meant right this second. Your face is a little . . . strained."
Buffy looked down at his own feet. "I have to pee."
Xander raised an eyebrow. "And . . . this is a bad thing? Oh, wait . . . first time with the new tools, right?"
A sheepish nod, still looking down at the carpet.
"It's no big, Buff. We can handle this." Xander hesitated a moment. "Ummm . . . do you need me to go in there with you? You know, to help out or something?"
Buffy considered punching him; then suddenly he smiled.
"Considering the circumstances, Xand, that's actually very sweet of you. I think I'll be ok. It's not like it's the first time I've ever handled one."
They both hesitated as Buffy continued.
"Suddenly realizing that may have been more than I would normally share, so . . . "
She jerked her thumb behind her.
" . . . heading upstairs."
Xander gave her a thumbs up.
"This'll be easy, Buff. Just like handling a Polaroid. Better yet . . . a crossbow. Just point and shoot."
Buffy nodded firmly. "Right. Point and shoot. Got it."
Xander watched Buffy ascend up the stairs as Willow came out of the kitchen and joined him.
"Everything ok?"
"Potty training."
"O . . . kay."
"No worries, Will. So are we gonna stake out the Doublemeat for a couple of days or what?"
"Do we have another choice? We just have to hope the guy is stupid."
"He messed with Buffy, didn't he?"
"Right. Good point. He's extremely stupid."
A baritone voice could be heard from upstairs.
"Oops! Dammit!!"
Willow looked at Xander questioningly. He shrugged.
"I think Fire Marshal Buffy is having some trouble adjusting to the new equipment."
"Oh. I see."
Willow looked back upstairs, trying not to smile and failing miserably.
"You think Buffy remembers that everyone is working the Spring-Summer Clearance Sale at the Magic Box today?"
Xander's eyes widened.
"Giles was going to have her move around the big heavy displays with Faith, right?"
"Right. Anya was making the rest of us work the sales floor. Tara's already there helping Giles with re-pricing items."
"And Buffy was sort of grumbling about her part in this, as I recall."
"Exactly. 'Pack Mule Buffy,' I believe, were her exact words."
"You think Buffy still goes . . . the way he is?"
Willow raised an eyebrow at Xander.
"If not, she'll . . . er . . . he'll . . . er . . . how should I refer to Buffy, exactly?"
Xander shrugged. "It, maybe?"
"I am NOT an it," Buffy growled, walking down the stairs. Xander brightened.
"Hey, Buff. So . . . "
"If you even think about asking me if everything came out ok, I will beat you over the head with a plunger. For the record, by the way, I am still a woman on the inside. And I plan to be one again."
She stomped past them, headed for the kitchen. Xander looked to Willow.
"You were saying?"
"I was saying that . . . SHE will probably want to stake out the Doublemeat. If we let her do that, though, once the guy shows up we won't be able to get info out of him, because . . . well . . . "
"Buffy will beat him to within an inch of his life?"
"Right."
"Ok. Since it's Buffy, maybe Spike will be willing to help. We'll tell her Giles might have some answers. That might persuade her to head his way."
"Willing? Xander, did you see Spike? I'd say he's desperate to help, wouldn't you?"
Xander licked his lips and took a deep breath. "I suppose."
"Look, I think it's something we should talk about too . . . but we need to understand what it's been like for her, ok? No rushing to judgment."
"I already told Buffy that we'd talk about it once this is over. Priorities, right?"
The old friends exchanged a smile.
"You know, Xand, if you and I are watching the Doublemeat, we won't be able to work for Giles and Anya."
They exchanged smiles and spoke simultaneously.
"Damn."
They headed back to the kitchen to talk to Spike.
***
End of Chapter 3
"What me where, now?"
"Gay you up. You know, so we can still be together."
"I don't know it’s that--"
"In knew it. You don't want me any more!" Buffy's lip was quivering again.
"I didn't say that, luv. We just need to take some time and explore our options."
"I'm still me, Spike. Just a little . . . different, that's all."
"Right. Of course. I know that. It's just . . . maybe we should go talk to Willow in person."
"No way! I'm not going anywhere like this!"
"Buffy, we can't stay here forever. Plus, it's still dark outside. You'll have to move about in daylight otherwise."
The Slayer folded his hairy arms.
"Fine. We'll go to my house, at which point I will stay there for the rest of my life."
He sighed. "Come on, then."
Spike grabbed the bagels and coffee and they left the room, making their way to his bike. As they got on, Buffy grimaced slightly. She adjusted herself on the seat. Still uncomfortable, she kicked one leg to the side. Spike turned his head.
"Everything all right back there?"
"Yes, I was just . . . straightening things out."
Spike waited for a beat.
"Right then, off we go."
He kick-started the machine, and they roared off into the darkness.
Willow hadn't moved an inch since she'd hung up the phone, trying to absorb all the new information. Buffy sleeping with Spike wasn't really that much of a shock; whenever they were in the same room there'd been an obvious tension that Willow couldn't put a finger on. This morning's revelation made everything else fall into place.
On the other hand, Buffy as a man . . . that was a little more difficult to handle. In truth, she didn't know if a spell existed that could change one's sexual preference. Man-Buffy had been so agitated that Willow had mentioned the idea simply to calm her . . . or him . . . or whatever. Finally Willow willed herself to move. With no other ideas springing to mind, she picked up the phone for a second opinion.
Buffy sat on the rear of the bike, mind working furiously. <What am I going to say at the job? I'm off for two days, but eventually I'll have to go back in there. Hormone imbalance, maybe? Yeah, that'd work. NOT.>
Her thoughts were interrupted when Spike ran his bike through a pothole, causing Buffy to tighten her grip around his waist. <Mmmmm . . . muscle-y abs>, he thought with a soft smile. Suddenly his eyes widened and he looked down.
Spike frowned as he felt pressure against his lower back . . . then his face morphed into horror.
"Bloody Hell! Buffy!"
"I'm sorry," the Slayer wailed. "I can't make it stop!"
"Yes you can! Just . . . think of something that might distract you!"
"Like what?"
"Uhhh . . . Slaying! Think about fighting evil things!!"
The warmth against his spine increased.
"Right, then! Bad example! Hang on a moment!"
He considered a moment. "Baseball! I read somewhere that American men think about baseball!! Try that!"
"OK!!" <Baseball. Guys in uniforms with tight pants. Swinging around hard wooden shafts.>
"Buffy, does everything turn you on?! Good God!!"
"It's not my fault!! I'm a guy!! We need a better distraction!! And stop yelling at me!!"
"We're on a sodding motorcycle! I have to yell at you!"
"Right! Sorry!"
Spike rolled his eyes and tried to think.
"Try this! Your grandmum with no clothes on!!"
"Eww. That's nasty!"
"It's supposed to be! Go with that!! Think about it!! Think about your naked grandmum . . . with, um . . . open sores! Yes! Open sores all over her naked skin!!"
"Do I have to do this every time I get . . . one of these, because I think I'm going to throw up!!"
The bike turned sharply down Revello Drive and pulled in. Spike abruptly cut the engine and quickly dismounted, grabbing the breakfast and trotting for the door since daylight was fast approaching. Buffy grimaced as she got off the bike and stiffly walked to the front porch.
She was deeply disturbed to find Willow, Xander, Anya, and Dawn all squished together to get a close look. The former vengeance demon, as always, couldn't help herself.
"Buffy, is that you in there?"
The Slayer sighed. "Yes, it's me."
"Look Xander, Buffy has an erection!"
He nodded in agreement, barely able to keep the smile off his face.
"Hey Buff, is that a stake in your pocket, or . . . "
"Shut up right now or I'm going to use your face as a test of whether or not I can still hurt people. Seems becoming a man does more than make your voice crack. You get all weak too."
She looked to Willow, arms folded.
"You just had to call the entire crew, didn't you?"
"Buffy, I thought since this was a vengeful act I should call a professional. I thought she could help."
Dawn was wide eyed.
"Buffy . . . is that really you?"
"Yes Dawn, it's me. We're going to figure out a way to fix this."
Buffy looked to Willow and Anya.
"Aren't we?"
The former demon answered.
"Actually, Willow was right when she said we need to know what spell was used. If we can track down this bitter stalker person, then we can find something to work with."
She brightened.
"Until then, you can explore what it means to be a man. I read in Cosmo that men have a much easier time in human society. Don't worry about physical reactions. They're perfectly natural. Healthy males under the age of thirty five think about sex an average of fifty times per day. I know for a fact Xander gets many erections. Sometimes all that's required is friction of some kind."
She smiled proudly as Xander paled.
"Anya, no one wants to hear about that."
"He told me that he gets one every time I walk into a room."
"Anya!"
Buffy shook her head and addressed Willow.
"Where's Spike?"
"He went into the kitchen. Last time I looked he was shuddering a little."
Buffy's eyes watered. "I knew it! He thinks I'm disgusting."
The Gang said nothing for a moment. Willow's revelation was only a few minutes old, and they were all on information overload at the present time. Finally Dawn took her sibling's hand and spoke in a reassuring tone.
"It'll be ok. If it makes you feel better, you're a majorly hot guy."
"Yeah." Buffy was smiling a little. "I noticed that. I AM pretty smokin'." It quickly faded as she noticed everyone's stare. "But I don't want it to stay that way."
Xander grinned at her. "Hey, being a guy isn't all that bad. Sure, it'll be an adjustment--if I were you the first one would be in your pants at the moment--but you'll deal. Heck, you might even learn something about us if you spend some time on the Y side of things."
Anya smiled brightly. "Also, it's much easier for a man to achieve an orgasm." She rolled her eyes. "I can't tell you how many times Xander couldn't hold back before I--"
"Anya!"
Buffy walked past them. "Let's go see how Spike is holding up."
The vampire was seated at the kitchen table, smoking a cigarette. When Buffy walked in he removed it with shaking fingers.
"Feeling better? Less"--he took the fastest possible glance at the Slayer's zipper--"constricted?"
"Pretty much California raisin territory once my whole family greeted me at the door."
"Right. Sorry. No wait . . . not sorry at all actually."
The rest of the Gang filed in behind, taking positions around the kitchen counter, facing Buffy and Spike as they exchanged their first genuine smile of the morning, albeit a weak one. Dawn, for one, couldn't wait to hear more about Buffy and Spike's recent penchant for the secret romantic rendezvous.
The Slayer slumped into a chair opposite him and put his head in his hands. Willow turned to Anya.
"So . . . you never did a primeval sex change in your demon days?"
"Nope. That's one area I never touched on . . . so to speak. Did a lot of removals, mind you . . . but no outright changes."
"Removals? As in . . . "
Spike, Xander and Buffy simultaneously crossed their legs. As Anya was about to be more specific a bleary eyed Slayer came through the doorway.
"Do you people have any idea what time it is? I have a night job that keeps me out till 2 o'clock in the friggin AM, and none of you have the decency to at least be quiet when--"
Faith broke off as her eyes fell on the new face.
"What's Justin Timberlake doing in the kitchen?"
Dawn's eyes widened.
"Oh my God, you DO look like him."
Buffy addressed Faith.
"Faith, it's me. It's Buffy."
Faith's face didn't change expression.
"Ok. I smell bagels."
"That's IT? That's all you're going to say?"
"Whaddaya want me to say? Somebody obviously put some kinda spell on you . . . well, that, or you seriously wanted to change the look."
"You think I WANT to look this way?"
Faith tilted her head as she searched for cream cheese. "I was in prison, B. That whole gender thing gets a little blurry in the joint, if you know what I'm sayin'. If I hadn't been pardoned for saving the warden during that riot, I wouldn't know one from the other by now. Plus, have you checked the mirror? You're gorgeous, B. You even kept the perfect hair."
Buffy smiled and touched her locks. "Really?"
Spike exploded.
"HELLO!! Is everyone here high? I want Buffy back, please! Could someone focus on the bleeding problem, already?!"
They stared at him collectively. Finally Willow spoke up.
"Do you have any ideas?"
"Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do. We find the wanker who gave Buffy"—he gestured toward the blonde Slayer--"a wanker of her very own. Then we threaten to remove his if he doesn't remove hers. Simple enough? Think you all can suss that out?"
Buffy felt the need to hold his hand and comfort him, but caught himself. Instead he spoke as soothingly as possible so that the Gang wouldn't freak out too much.
"That's a good idea. We'll find him. He can't stay away from the Doublemeat for more than a day. I'm sure he'll show up there."
The Gang began to talk amongst themselves as Buffy slipped out. Xander caught her leaving out of the corner of his eye and followed, not wishing to hear Anya asking Spike for all the gory details of his . . . relations with Buffy.
"Buff . . . "
The adorable young man stared at Xander. <The eyes are the same>, Xander thought.
"So . . . you and Spike?"
Buffy held up his hands. "We don't have time for this, Xander."
"I'm not trying to start anything. This has been a crazy time for all of us. It's just . . . look, we need to talk once you're a girl again, ok?"
Buffy sighed. "Yeah, I guess. Ok."
"So, are you all right?"
Buffy simply stared. Xander shrugged in his own defense. "I realize that sounds like a stupid question . . . I guess I meant right this second. Your face is a little . . . strained."
Buffy looked down at his own feet. "I have to pee."
Xander raised an eyebrow. "And . . . this is a bad thing? Oh, wait . . . first time with the new tools, right?"
A sheepish nod, still looking down at the carpet.
"It's no big, Buff. We can handle this." Xander hesitated a moment. "Ummm . . . do you need me to go in there with you? You know, to help out or something?"
Buffy considered punching him; then suddenly he smiled.
"Considering the circumstances, Xand, that's actually very sweet of you. I think I'll be ok. It's not like it's the first time I've ever handled one."
They both hesitated as Buffy continued.
"Suddenly realizing that may have been more than I would normally share, so . . . "
She jerked her thumb behind her.
" . . . heading upstairs."
Xander gave her a thumbs up.
"This'll be easy, Buff. Just like handling a Polaroid. Better yet . . . a crossbow. Just point and shoot."
Buffy nodded firmly. "Right. Point and shoot. Got it."
Xander watched Buffy ascend up the stairs as Willow came out of the kitchen and joined him.
"Everything ok?"
"Potty training."
"O . . . kay."
"No worries, Will. So are we gonna stake out the Doublemeat for a couple of days or what?"
"Do we have another choice? We just have to hope the guy is stupid."
"He messed with Buffy, didn't he?"
"Right. Good point. He's extremely stupid."
A baritone voice could be heard from upstairs.
"Oops! Dammit!!"
Willow looked at Xander questioningly. He shrugged.
"I think Fire Marshal Buffy is having some trouble adjusting to the new equipment."
"Oh. I see."
Willow looked back upstairs, trying not to smile and failing miserably.
"You think Buffy remembers that everyone is working the Spring-Summer Clearance Sale at the Magic Box today?"
Xander's eyes widened.
"Giles was going to have her move around the big heavy displays with Faith, right?"
"Right. Anya was making the rest of us work the sales floor. Tara's already there helping Giles with re-pricing items."
"And Buffy was sort of grumbling about her part in this, as I recall."
"Exactly. 'Pack Mule Buffy,' I believe, were her exact words."
"You think Buffy still goes . . . the way he is?"
Willow raised an eyebrow at Xander.
"If not, she'll . . . er . . . he'll . . . er . . . how should I refer to Buffy, exactly?"
Xander shrugged. "It, maybe?"
"I am NOT an it," Buffy growled, walking down the stairs. Xander brightened.
"Hey, Buff. So . . . "
"If you even think about asking me if everything came out ok, I will beat you over the head with a plunger. For the record, by the way, I am still a woman on the inside. And I plan to be one again."
She stomped past them, headed for the kitchen. Xander looked to Willow.
"You were saying?"
"I was saying that . . . SHE will probably want to stake out the Doublemeat. If we let her do that, though, once the guy shows up we won't be able to get info out of him, because . . . well . . . "
"Buffy will beat him to within an inch of his life?"
"Right."
"Ok. Since it's Buffy, maybe Spike will be willing to help. We'll tell her Giles might have some answers. That might persuade her to head his way."
"Willing? Xander, did you see Spike? I'd say he's desperate to help, wouldn't you?"
Xander licked his lips and took a deep breath. "I suppose."
"Look, I think it's something we should talk about too . . . but we need to understand what it's been like for her, ok? No rushing to judgment."
"I already told Buffy that we'd talk about it once this is over. Priorities, right?"
The old friends exchanged a smile.
"You know, Xand, if you and I are watching the Doublemeat, we won't be able to work for Giles and Anya."
They exchanged smiles and spoke simultaneously.
"Damn."
They headed back to the kitchen to talk to Spike.
***
End of Chapter 3