The Other Half Lives
by Patti, Rae, Rob, and Spring - Summer of 2003
Chapter 8 – It's A Nice Day For A . . .
(Rae)
by Patti, Rae, Rob, and Spring - Summer of 2003
Chapter 8 – It's A Nice Day For A . . .
(Rae)
Well, B, much as I dig seeing ya get shot down by beautiful girls and all, I gotta ditch you and the Xan-Man up ahead. The boss man is seriously P.O.ed at me for calling in late and I ain’t up for another lecture from my parole dude about the ‘importance of maintaining a steady gig’."
"S’ok, Faith. I think— he actually said ‘gig’?" Xander interrupted himself.
"Nah but I wanted to spice it up a bit."
"Ah. As I was saying, I think we’ve got the situation under control. Right Buff?" Xander glanced over his shoulder at Buffy, lagging behind.
Buffy nodded, "Hmm? Oh, yeah . . . situation. Control, got it under."
"Cool. And, hey, you guys should drop by the Bronze after you . . . uh, unman Buffy. Good band tonight, the joint should be jumpin’ and B’ll be needing to . . . unwind after she loses her balls."
"Yeah, real funny, F. A laugh riot, you are today." Buffy mumbled as she kicked a pebble at Faith’s leg and grinned when Faith swatted at the back of her calf.
"So, Faith, tell me about. . . "
Is that Andrew? Stopping to look in the Radio Shack window, Buffy didn’t hear the rest of Xander’s question. That little sucker, what are they up to now?! Buffy pulled open the door to the store, standing back to let a couple of girls pass. One of the girls winked at Buffy as she nodded her thanks. Bemused, Buffy watched her start off down the street. Now that is what I call a nice piece of— OH MY GOD! Turning away, Buffy hurried into the store, shaking her head from side to side.
"Hello, sir, can I help you?"
"Uh, no. Just looking, thanks." Buffy headed towards Andrew, looking around the store for the rest of the trio. Andrew looked up at the sound of her voice. Ducking behind a game display in the middle of the aisle, she picked up a controller and pretended to play the game. Hmm, this is kinda fun. Look out, Bones, I’m gonna kick your ass!
"If you jump up twice, then kneel down for five seconds before hitting the jump button again, he’ll do a SUPERFAST roundhouse kick and knock that skeleton thingy out for good."
"Thanks . . . " Buffy bit her lip as she concentrated on killing the thing on the screen. Then, pausing the game to thank the guy, she blinked at the person standing next to her. ". . . Andrew."
"Oh, you know me?" Andrew’s face lit up with delight.
"Duh." Buffy rolled her eyes.
"Sorry. Were you one of Tucker’s friends?" Andrew gave her a once over. "Has anyone ever told you that you look like—"?
"If you value your life… or any other vital organs, you won’t finish that question." Buffy glared at him, annoyed. "Did Tucker actually have friends?
‘Cuz I’m thinking the hell hounds would keep them away."
"Oh, so you went to our high school too?"
"Andrew, of course I did. It’s me Bu—" Buffy suddenly remembered the reason behind Andrew’s confusion. "—tch. Err, Butch Mackenzie. Look, I gotta go." As she rushed out of the door she slammed into Xander. "OW!"
"OW!" Xander caught Buffy arm as she started to fall backwards. "Sorry, Buff. What’s up with the side trip? Forget some important. . . electronic equipment you needed?"
"What? No, never mind. Let’s get back to the Magic Shop."
"Alright, Mr. Snippy. You were the one who got off track, not me."
"Sorry, I saw a video game in there I wanted to try out."
"A VIDEO GAME? Since when are you into that?"
"Apparently since I grew hair on my chest . . . speaking of which, I checked out a girl’s ass a few minutes ago. I don’t think Samantha’s rejection was enough to turn me back."
"Well . . . you could always try to make out with a girl at the Bronze tonight.
That’s sure to earn you a slap of humiliation." Off Buffy’s look of horror, "Or, maybe Willow has found another solution."
"I think I’m going to cry."
"You think Buffy’d want to join the poker game tonight? X-ray vision Dave can’t make it and I’ve got a pretty new Persian I’m dying to put up."
"No likely, mate. Pet isn’t fond of betting kittens. She’d . . . Err he’d probably free them again."
"What about this kid here?" Clem poked Greg in the side as Spike turned to raise an eyebrow at him, "Assuming she lets him live?"
"Female from male, now be born . . . " Greg seized the moment to throw some powder into their faces.
"What the hell— Acchoo!"
"Bloody hell!" Spike dropped Greg and gave him an elbow jab to the face, reflexively gripping his head as the pain hit. "Didn’t you read the rules, you stupid git? It doesn’t work on men. Or . . . " Spike watched Clem shaking his skin, "Clems."
Greg just rolled over groaning, holding his bleeding nose. "You’ve already pushed my limits—turning my sodding girlfriend into a MAN. One more and I’ll suffer the migraine. Get your sorry arse up! You’re walking."
Clem, disgruntled, complained, "It’s going to take me forever to get this powder out of my creases." Lifting his shirt, he swiped some powder off his nose and saw a patch of purple on the ground. Picking it up, he hurried after Spike. "Spike, buddy, check this out."
"Huh? What’s this, eh?" Spike eyed the small silk bag in his hand and caught Greg glancing furtively over his shoulder. "So, ‘Greggie’, looks like I’ve got your bag of powder. Who’s your Daddy now?"
Greg stared at him as Clem burst into a fit of coughing.
"What? Xander says it all the time."
"Uh-huh, ok . . . Daddy."
"Technically, you’re a demon ya know?"
"Shouldn’t we get that powder to Buffy right away?" Clem moved away from Spike’s side quickly and jogged towards the underground entrance to the Magic Box.
"Buffy, I’m sure it’s not that bad." Giles wiped his glasses again and tapped on the bathroom door with them as the sound of loud sobs filled the shop. "I’m sure you’ll get better with practice." He winced, as the sobbing got louder.
"Look— SPIKE!"
"What?" Buffy peeked her head out the bathroom door and saw that Spike and Clem had arrived and were pushing Greg ahead of them. She soon realized why Giles shouted warning. Greg had reached the top of the basement stairs first and had whipped around to shove his hand against Spike’s chest, trying to knock him backwards down the stairs.
"ARGH . . . That’s it!" Spike eyes sparked with anger. He reached out to cuff Greg’s ear but came to an abrupt stop when a book came crashing down on Greg’s head from above. Glancing up he saw a smirking Anya. "Err. Thanks."
"Of course. He was posing a threat to my merchandise."
Spike nodded noticing Buffy’s watchful gaze from the bathroom. He glanced away quickly and tossed Willow the purple bag, "Here, Red, a present."
"Lanthium powder!" Willow beamed at Buffy. "This is perfect. Once Greg wakes up and we can get him to girl you up."
"Girl her up?" Xander looked amused.
"What are we waiting for? Wake him up." Buffy slipped back in the bathroom to adjust her zipper and wash her hands.
"Buffy," Giles called into the bathroom, "Will you bring us a cup of water?"
"Sure thing." Buffy filled up a cup and joined the rest of the gang standing around Greg’s prone form. "Wait." She disappeared briefly into the back room, re-emerging with crossbow in hand. When Giles raised an eyebrow at her, she shrugged, "Never hurts to have some back-up motivation on hand."
"He’s not so bad, ya know? He probably woulda been fun on a date."
Everyone looked at Dawn incredulously.
"Are you kidding me?"
"I’m just sayin’, wouldn’t have killed you to see a movie with him?"
Buffy rolled her eyes and dumped the cup of water in Greg’s face. He snapped up with a sputter, "Whhhh-aaa-t?!" Eight pairs of eyes stared back at him as he shook his head.
"’Morning Sunshine. Nice day for a reversal chant. Nice day to start again." Buffy caressed the trigger on the crossbow as she smiled grimly at Greg. "Wouldn’t ya say?"
"Uh."
"Wouldn’t argue with her, Bud. She may have lost her strength but gotta guess even she can hit a stationery target that’s only a foot away." The others nodded at Xander’s words.
"I—uh—don’t have any more powder."
"Whaddya know, I do. Here ya go." Willow tossed a ziplock bag of powder at him. "Don’t worry, I’ve got the rest in safekeeping." Dawn eyes went to the purple bag on the table and grinned at Willow. "Just in case."
Giving up, Greg snatched the up the powder and began to chant, "male from—"
"Ahem." Buffy lifted the crossbow, aiming the arrow at Greg’s nether regions. "Nice try but, if you turn the rest of my girls into men, I’ll turn you into a girl . . . without the aid of magical powder."
Greg squeaked and the rest of the guys involuntarily crossed their legs, including Buffy.
"Ok, ok. Fine." Annoyed, Greg stood up and chanted, "Woman back from man engendered, Visions of his plight now rendered, Lighten up on feminine meanness. Guys are not just balls and penis!"
As the girls in the room rolled their eyes, Greg threw the powder directly into Buffy’s eyes.
"Why you little—" Buffy stepped back and sneezed, dropping the crossbow.
Realizing it was primed to shoot, everyone ran for cover as the weapon hit the ground and released the arrow. Taking advantage of the confusion, Greg grabbed something from the table and slipped down the stairs to the basement.
"Bloody hell. You shot me!"
Still wiping powder from her eyes Buffy looked up to see the arrow sticking out of the back pocket of Spike’s jeans. Before she could stop it, a giggle slipped out. "Hey. Check me out. I giggled." Grinning she hopped up to look at herself in the mirror. Just to be sure, she cupped her chest and laughed, "Oh yes, the girls are back. Everything is perfect!"
"Apparently, not quite . . . your pants, luv."
"What?"
"They’re falling . . ."
"Maybe you could lend her your arrow, that appears to be holding yours up just fine."
"Shut it, Little Bit." Spike was twisting to each side, looking over his shoulder at the arrow lodged firmly in his backside. "I can’t believe you sodding shot me. After I delivered the powder and that bleeding idiot too!"
Buffy struggled to hold her sagging pants on her hips and grimaced at Spike, an apology on her lips. Suddenly she tipped her head to the side and something sparked in her eyes, "Wait a minute. You wouldn’t look at me ten minutes ago but now that my pants are falling down around my ankles, you’re all ‘you shot me, give us a kiss and make it better’. You’re an ass. So, it’s kinda sweet that I did. Shoot you in your a—"
"Excuse me. If I might interrupt this . . . asinine exchange to make an observation."
"WHAT?!" As one, Buffy and Spike shouted at Giles’ interruption as they glared at each other.
"Greg is gone."
Willow glanced at the table in concern, "And, he has the rest of the powder."
***
End of Chapter 8
"S’ok, Faith. I think— he actually said ‘gig’?" Xander interrupted himself.
"Nah but I wanted to spice it up a bit."
"Ah. As I was saying, I think we’ve got the situation under control. Right Buff?" Xander glanced over his shoulder at Buffy, lagging behind.
Buffy nodded, "Hmm? Oh, yeah . . . situation. Control, got it under."
"Cool. And, hey, you guys should drop by the Bronze after you . . . uh, unman Buffy. Good band tonight, the joint should be jumpin’ and B’ll be needing to . . . unwind after she loses her balls."
"Yeah, real funny, F. A laugh riot, you are today." Buffy mumbled as she kicked a pebble at Faith’s leg and grinned when Faith swatted at the back of her calf.
"So, Faith, tell me about. . . "
Is that Andrew? Stopping to look in the Radio Shack window, Buffy didn’t hear the rest of Xander’s question. That little sucker, what are they up to now?! Buffy pulled open the door to the store, standing back to let a couple of girls pass. One of the girls winked at Buffy as she nodded her thanks. Bemused, Buffy watched her start off down the street. Now that is what I call a nice piece of— OH MY GOD! Turning away, Buffy hurried into the store, shaking her head from side to side.
"Hello, sir, can I help you?"
"Uh, no. Just looking, thanks." Buffy headed towards Andrew, looking around the store for the rest of the trio. Andrew looked up at the sound of her voice. Ducking behind a game display in the middle of the aisle, she picked up a controller and pretended to play the game. Hmm, this is kinda fun. Look out, Bones, I’m gonna kick your ass!
"If you jump up twice, then kneel down for five seconds before hitting the jump button again, he’ll do a SUPERFAST roundhouse kick and knock that skeleton thingy out for good."
"Thanks . . . " Buffy bit her lip as she concentrated on killing the thing on the screen. Then, pausing the game to thank the guy, she blinked at the person standing next to her. ". . . Andrew."
"Oh, you know me?" Andrew’s face lit up with delight.
"Duh." Buffy rolled her eyes.
"Sorry. Were you one of Tucker’s friends?" Andrew gave her a once over. "Has anyone ever told you that you look like—"?
"If you value your life… or any other vital organs, you won’t finish that question." Buffy glared at him, annoyed. "Did Tucker actually have friends?
‘Cuz I’m thinking the hell hounds would keep them away."
"Oh, so you went to our high school too?"
"Andrew, of course I did. It’s me Bu—" Buffy suddenly remembered the reason behind Andrew’s confusion. "—tch. Err, Butch Mackenzie. Look, I gotta go." As she rushed out of the door she slammed into Xander. "OW!"
"OW!" Xander caught Buffy arm as she started to fall backwards. "Sorry, Buff. What’s up with the side trip? Forget some important. . . electronic equipment you needed?"
"What? No, never mind. Let’s get back to the Magic Shop."
"Alright, Mr. Snippy. You were the one who got off track, not me."
"Sorry, I saw a video game in there I wanted to try out."
"A VIDEO GAME? Since when are you into that?"
"Apparently since I grew hair on my chest . . . speaking of which, I checked out a girl’s ass a few minutes ago. I don’t think Samantha’s rejection was enough to turn me back."
"Well . . . you could always try to make out with a girl at the Bronze tonight.
That’s sure to earn you a slap of humiliation." Off Buffy’s look of horror, "Or, maybe Willow has found another solution."
"I think I’m going to cry."
"You think Buffy’d want to join the poker game tonight? X-ray vision Dave can’t make it and I’ve got a pretty new Persian I’m dying to put up."
"No likely, mate. Pet isn’t fond of betting kittens. She’d . . . Err he’d probably free them again."
"What about this kid here?" Clem poked Greg in the side as Spike turned to raise an eyebrow at him, "Assuming she lets him live?"
"Female from male, now be born . . . " Greg seized the moment to throw some powder into their faces.
"What the hell— Acchoo!"
"Bloody hell!" Spike dropped Greg and gave him an elbow jab to the face, reflexively gripping his head as the pain hit. "Didn’t you read the rules, you stupid git? It doesn’t work on men. Or . . . " Spike watched Clem shaking his skin, "Clems."
Greg just rolled over groaning, holding his bleeding nose. "You’ve already pushed my limits—turning my sodding girlfriend into a MAN. One more and I’ll suffer the migraine. Get your sorry arse up! You’re walking."
Clem, disgruntled, complained, "It’s going to take me forever to get this powder out of my creases." Lifting his shirt, he swiped some powder off his nose and saw a patch of purple on the ground. Picking it up, he hurried after Spike. "Spike, buddy, check this out."
"Huh? What’s this, eh?" Spike eyed the small silk bag in his hand and caught Greg glancing furtively over his shoulder. "So, ‘Greggie’, looks like I’ve got your bag of powder. Who’s your Daddy now?"
Greg stared at him as Clem burst into a fit of coughing.
"What? Xander says it all the time."
"Uh-huh, ok . . . Daddy."
"Technically, you’re a demon ya know?"
"Shouldn’t we get that powder to Buffy right away?" Clem moved away from Spike’s side quickly and jogged towards the underground entrance to the Magic Box.
"Buffy, I’m sure it’s not that bad." Giles wiped his glasses again and tapped on the bathroom door with them as the sound of loud sobs filled the shop. "I’m sure you’ll get better with practice." He winced, as the sobbing got louder.
"Look— SPIKE!"
"What?" Buffy peeked her head out the bathroom door and saw that Spike and Clem had arrived and were pushing Greg ahead of them. She soon realized why Giles shouted warning. Greg had reached the top of the basement stairs first and had whipped around to shove his hand against Spike’s chest, trying to knock him backwards down the stairs.
"ARGH . . . That’s it!" Spike eyes sparked with anger. He reached out to cuff Greg’s ear but came to an abrupt stop when a book came crashing down on Greg’s head from above. Glancing up he saw a smirking Anya. "Err. Thanks."
"Of course. He was posing a threat to my merchandise."
Spike nodded noticing Buffy’s watchful gaze from the bathroom. He glanced away quickly and tossed Willow the purple bag, "Here, Red, a present."
"Lanthium powder!" Willow beamed at Buffy. "This is perfect. Once Greg wakes up and we can get him to girl you up."
"Girl her up?" Xander looked amused.
"What are we waiting for? Wake him up." Buffy slipped back in the bathroom to adjust her zipper and wash her hands.
"Buffy," Giles called into the bathroom, "Will you bring us a cup of water?"
"Sure thing." Buffy filled up a cup and joined the rest of the gang standing around Greg’s prone form. "Wait." She disappeared briefly into the back room, re-emerging with crossbow in hand. When Giles raised an eyebrow at her, she shrugged, "Never hurts to have some back-up motivation on hand."
"He’s not so bad, ya know? He probably woulda been fun on a date."
Everyone looked at Dawn incredulously.
"Are you kidding me?"
"I’m just sayin’, wouldn’t have killed you to see a movie with him?"
Buffy rolled her eyes and dumped the cup of water in Greg’s face. He snapped up with a sputter, "Whhhh-aaa-t?!" Eight pairs of eyes stared back at him as he shook his head.
"’Morning Sunshine. Nice day for a reversal chant. Nice day to start again." Buffy caressed the trigger on the crossbow as she smiled grimly at Greg. "Wouldn’t ya say?"
"Uh."
"Wouldn’t argue with her, Bud. She may have lost her strength but gotta guess even she can hit a stationery target that’s only a foot away." The others nodded at Xander’s words.
"I—uh—don’t have any more powder."
"Whaddya know, I do. Here ya go." Willow tossed a ziplock bag of powder at him. "Don’t worry, I’ve got the rest in safekeeping." Dawn eyes went to the purple bag on the table and grinned at Willow. "Just in case."
Giving up, Greg snatched the up the powder and began to chant, "male from—"
"Ahem." Buffy lifted the crossbow, aiming the arrow at Greg’s nether regions. "Nice try but, if you turn the rest of my girls into men, I’ll turn you into a girl . . . without the aid of magical powder."
Greg squeaked and the rest of the guys involuntarily crossed their legs, including Buffy.
"Ok, ok. Fine." Annoyed, Greg stood up and chanted, "Woman back from man engendered, Visions of his plight now rendered, Lighten up on feminine meanness. Guys are not just balls and penis!"
As the girls in the room rolled their eyes, Greg threw the powder directly into Buffy’s eyes.
"Why you little—" Buffy stepped back and sneezed, dropping the crossbow.
Realizing it was primed to shoot, everyone ran for cover as the weapon hit the ground and released the arrow. Taking advantage of the confusion, Greg grabbed something from the table and slipped down the stairs to the basement.
"Bloody hell. You shot me!"
Still wiping powder from her eyes Buffy looked up to see the arrow sticking out of the back pocket of Spike’s jeans. Before she could stop it, a giggle slipped out. "Hey. Check me out. I giggled." Grinning she hopped up to look at herself in the mirror. Just to be sure, she cupped her chest and laughed, "Oh yes, the girls are back. Everything is perfect!"
"Apparently, not quite . . . your pants, luv."
"What?"
"They’re falling . . ."
"Maybe you could lend her your arrow, that appears to be holding yours up just fine."
"Shut it, Little Bit." Spike was twisting to each side, looking over his shoulder at the arrow lodged firmly in his backside. "I can’t believe you sodding shot me. After I delivered the powder and that bleeding idiot too!"
Buffy struggled to hold her sagging pants on her hips and grimaced at Spike, an apology on her lips. Suddenly she tipped her head to the side and something sparked in her eyes, "Wait a minute. You wouldn’t look at me ten minutes ago but now that my pants are falling down around my ankles, you’re all ‘you shot me, give us a kiss and make it better’. You’re an ass. So, it’s kinda sweet that I did. Shoot you in your a—"
"Excuse me. If I might interrupt this . . . asinine exchange to make an observation."
"WHAT?!" As one, Buffy and Spike shouted at Giles’ interruption as they glared at each other.
"Greg is gone."
Willow glanced at the table in concern, "And, he has the rest of the powder."
***
End of Chapter 8