The Other Half Lives
by Patti, Rae, Rob, and Spring - Summer of 2003
Chapter 6 – Buff - And the "Y" Of It All
(Patti)
by Patti, Rae, Rob, and Spring - Summer of 2003
Chapter 6 – Buff - And the "Y" Of It All
(Patti)
Buff narrowed his eyes at her. . . his . . . oh whatever! - buddy Xander. "You saying I don't have what it takes? I'm a loser now, that's your opinion of me? One little gender change - ok, not 'little' in the sense of - one magical switcheroo and I'm sex-appeal-less?"
Xander swallowed and laughed nervously, trying to remember if they knew for SURE that 'Buffyboy' was completely void of slayer strength. 'Uh . . . pretty much . . . no! Of course not! You're just . . . you're going to have to work at it . . . like most guys. I mean really . . . how many guys do you know who can just walk into a room and the chicks just line up . . . " He noticed Buff's head turn slightly as she looked to his left. He followed her/his gaze to . . . Spike, who was leaning casually against the counter, looking at him with his eyebrows raised and that self-satisfied smirk on his face.
Xander tried to catch Anya's eye, but she was smiling admiringly at Spike. Dawn was no help - she was too busy making faces at Spike. He turned to Willow for support but she and Tara were both glancing at Spike and then away . . . and back . . . and away . . . and back . . .
"OK! Not COUNTING the evil undead, how many guys do you know . . . " Xander shook his head in exasperation.
Buff walked quickly over to Spike and hit him on the arm.
"Ow! . . . that . . . didn't hurt a bit, actually,' Spike said in a relieved tone, 'but why did you hit ME? Wasn't me pointin' out the truth . . . "
"You didn't have to say anything. Your expression said it all. You're just SO sure of yourself, aren't you, like you're god's gift-"
Spike gritted his teeth, "We already talked about that . . . And frankly I don't want to discuss it with you while you're all . . . male-like . . . I think I need another smoke . . . " Spike started for the rear door muttering something about 'bints' or 'bent', but Buff stepped in front of him, eyes blazing.
"Spike! You are not giving me one bit of support in this, and I've never needed it more!" Spike closed his eyes and tilted his head to the left and then to the right. Joints popped. Then he rolled his shoulders and took a deep un-needed and un-explained breath.
"Buf..fy. This is something I can't help you with. What do you want me to DO? Help you pick up girls?" Spike leaned closer, his frustration apparent. "According to Greg the Wanker Wizard, you won't be Buffy again until you find out you CAN'T. So, just get on with your . . . quest for the impossible dream . . . so you can . . . be . . . un-manned!" Spike stepped to the side, but Buff again blocked him, this time poking Spike in the chest with his finger.
"You really think I can't? You think I can't pick up girls? You think I don't have the stones for it, right?" Buff leaned in with her chin up . . . which put her chin about even with Spike's armpit.
Spike leaned in with his head down, glaring at her or him. "No, I think you DO 'have the stones for it'! That is the problem! TRY to focus here, lu-Buff! You don't lose the manly bits and return to your former girl glory until you know the utter rejection and self-loathing of a normal guy! So . . . clearly Xander will have to help you!" With that, Spike strode past Buff and out the back door, slamming it shut after him.
"Oh thank YOU for your vote of confidence!", Xander yelled after him.
Anya patted Xander on the back. "Don't worry, Xander, I know you can help Buffy. Why, she rejected you for years, so you have plenty of experience!" She smiled brightly. Xander blinked and opened his mouth but no words would form.
Giles cleared his throat. Everyone turned and watched as he cleaned his glasses on his handkerchief. "Perhaps there is another way. I believe we may be overlooking something. We need to get to the root of the matter- "
Dawn stared at Buffy and said in a very even voice, 'I'm not overlooking anything. Somewhere in 'that' is still my sister - and I've seen her without makeup, AND when she needs her roots done, so -"
"DAWN!' Buff snapped. "Can we leave my roots out of this discussion?"
Xander turned to his best friend for support. "Willow? You're a girl! You can help!"
Willow smiled wryly, "Thanks for the heads up, Xander . . . but still gay here . . . not exactly the expert in gauging the male hotness factor . . . "
Tara smiled and squeezed Willow's hand, ducking her head shyly. "Sorry Buff . . . Y, not much help here either."
Buff snorted. "Yeah? You both seemed to be 'gauging the male hotness factor' just FINE a minute ago, when Spike was here. Don't tell ME you don't-"
"Buff-Y! MAY I continue?" Giles interrupted wearily.
"Sorry . . . " Buff muttered and sat down at the table, leaning back and resting his elbows on the chair backs beside her, his legs sprawled apart. Silence. Buff looked around . . . everyone was staring at her/him solemnly. 'What?" She glanced down at his posture and sat up, bringing her legs together and putting his hands in her lap. She then ran one hand through his hair, which took no time at all, and said, 'Go on Giles, we're all listening . . . "
The back door opened and Spike quietly entered, bringing the smell of second-hand smoke with him. He leaned against the back wall, arms folded, reluctant, uncomfortable, but there in all his alpha male goodness. He met Buff's searching look with a slight nod.
Buff turned her attention back to Giles, his heart a little lighter.
"Greg came in here looking for lanthium powder." Giles began again.
"Right, he used it all on Buffy," Xander agreed, nodding.
"He also told us that only Buffy could turn herself back into . . . herself. Yet . . . he wanted to purchase more lanthium powder. Why? Is he planning to change other women into men, or is lanthium used in other ways? Willow, do you know its properties?"
"I don't know off hand . . . I'll check . . . Tara . . . do you have the - no, the other one - the red one . . . yes, thanks baby." Willow turned to the index of 'The Big Red Book of Spells' and found 'lanthium'. "Here it is . . . page 253 . . . . . . oh . . . OH! Lanthium . . . derived from the L' anti . . . um . . . bush, used traditionally as one of several spices in Indian curries, is extremely hot and gave rise to the saying ' be careful with that, it will grow hair on your chest', because, when inhaled, it will . . . grow hair on your chest . . . oh Buffy! ewww-"
"Willow! Not now!" Giles made an odd clucking noise with his tongue. "What else does it say? Does it mention the duration of the . . . symptoms? Or a countering agent, perhaps?"
"There IS a footnote about duration . . . in connection with someone named Rob . . . wait, that's a separate entry . . . not relevant here . . . sorry guys, I got side-tracked." Willow smiled apologetically and went on. "Um . . . while the inhalation of lanthium by itself will cause certain secondary male characteristics, such as the afore mentioned hairy chestedness and the inexplicable desire to laugh at flatulence, complete though temporary gender change can be produced by the breathing of lanthium followed by the recitation of this spell . . .
"Male from female, now be born,
Soon to learn the pain of scorn.
As you breathe this dust of lanthium,
you'll be sorry NOW, by . . . .zanthium . . . "
Willow looked up at the disbelieving stares of her friends.
"You'll be sorry now, by ZANTHIUM?" Buff let his head drop on the table. Hard.
Willow shrugged. "With spells? It's the thought that counts."
"Yes, Willow, very interesting . . . is there ANYthing about a counterspell?" Giles rubbed the bridge of his nose and silently counted to 10 . . . for the 5th time.
"Ya da . . . ya da . . . pain of scorn . . . ya da . . . by . . . zanthium . . . ah-HA! 'The gender changing spell will be reversed when two conditions have been met: One - the subject experiences any of a number of humiliations suffered by normal males, including, for example: Repeated rejection by the opposite sex, premature ejaculation, or losing the 'who can pee the farthest' contest EVERY single TIME . . . " Willow shook her head and muttered, "Who WROTE 'The Big Red Book of Spells' anyway, Woody Allen?"
Tara leaned over and read aloud: "And two - a second application of lanthium and a reversal chant by the original spellcaster. The two conditions must be met within the first 24 hours." Tara peered more closely at the page. "This reversal chant . . ."
She read silently for a moment and shook her head with a grimace. "It's just . . . it doesn't scan . . . "
Buff sighed and said, "Go ahead Tara. Let's hear it."
Tara cleared her throat and intoned:
"Woman back from man engendered
Visions of his plight now rendered
Lighten up on feminine meanness . . .
Guys are not just balls and penis!"
No one spoke for a moment. Then Spike slapped Buff on the back and said, "Right then! You, uh . . . get busy with what you have to do, and I'll get Greg back here to do what he has to do." With that, Spike strode out the door.
"Ok!" Xander rubbed his hands together heartily. "Time to decide, Buffy." He looked at the clock over the door. "I'd say you have about 16 hours left. Time to pick one from column A, Buff . . . .ster. What's it going to be?"
Buff looked around at her companions. Dawn was clearly and annoyingly enjoying her predicament. Anya was taking it all in stride, but then, she'd probably done curses much worse than this. Giles was obviously uncomfortable, and Xander . . . he was being as helpful as he could, but this was something she'd have to decide for herself. Willow and Tara . . . .hmmmm . . .
"I've decided," Buffy declared. "I know what I have to do."
***
End of Chapter 6
Xander swallowed and laughed nervously, trying to remember if they knew for SURE that 'Buffyboy' was completely void of slayer strength. 'Uh . . . pretty much . . . no! Of course not! You're just . . . you're going to have to work at it . . . like most guys. I mean really . . . how many guys do you know who can just walk into a room and the chicks just line up . . . " He noticed Buff's head turn slightly as she looked to his left. He followed her/his gaze to . . . Spike, who was leaning casually against the counter, looking at him with his eyebrows raised and that self-satisfied smirk on his face.
Xander tried to catch Anya's eye, but she was smiling admiringly at Spike. Dawn was no help - she was too busy making faces at Spike. He turned to Willow for support but she and Tara were both glancing at Spike and then away . . . and back . . . and away . . . and back . . .
"OK! Not COUNTING the evil undead, how many guys do you know . . . " Xander shook his head in exasperation.
Buff walked quickly over to Spike and hit him on the arm.
"Ow! . . . that . . . didn't hurt a bit, actually,' Spike said in a relieved tone, 'but why did you hit ME? Wasn't me pointin' out the truth . . . "
"You didn't have to say anything. Your expression said it all. You're just SO sure of yourself, aren't you, like you're god's gift-"
Spike gritted his teeth, "We already talked about that . . . And frankly I don't want to discuss it with you while you're all . . . male-like . . . I think I need another smoke . . . " Spike started for the rear door muttering something about 'bints' or 'bent', but Buff stepped in front of him, eyes blazing.
"Spike! You are not giving me one bit of support in this, and I've never needed it more!" Spike closed his eyes and tilted his head to the left and then to the right. Joints popped. Then he rolled his shoulders and took a deep un-needed and un-explained breath.
"Buf..fy. This is something I can't help you with. What do you want me to DO? Help you pick up girls?" Spike leaned closer, his frustration apparent. "According to Greg the Wanker Wizard, you won't be Buffy again until you find out you CAN'T. So, just get on with your . . . quest for the impossible dream . . . so you can . . . be . . . un-manned!" Spike stepped to the side, but Buff again blocked him, this time poking Spike in the chest with his finger.
"You really think I can't? You think I can't pick up girls? You think I don't have the stones for it, right?" Buff leaned in with her chin up . . . which put her chin about even with Spike's armpit.
Spike leaned in with his head down, glaring at her or him. "No, I think you DO 'have the stones for it'! That is the problem! TRY to focus here, lu-Buff! You don't lose the manly bits and return to your former girl glory until you know the utter rejection and self-loathing of a normal guy! So . . . clearly Xander will have to help you!" With that, Spike strode past Buff and out the back door, slamming it shut after him.
"Oh thank YOU for your vote of confidence!", Xander yelled after him.
Anya patted Xander on the back. "Don't worry, Xander, I know you can help Buffy. Why, she rejected you for years, so you have plenty of experience!" She smiled brightly. Xander blinked and opened his mouth but no words would form.
Giles cleared his throat. Everyone turned and watched as he cleaned his glasses on his handkerchief. "Perhaps there is another way. I believe we may be overlooking something. We need to get to the root of the matter- "
Dawn stared at Buffy and said in a very even voice, 'I'm not overlooking anything. Somewhere in 'that' is still my sister - and I've seen her without makeup, AND when she needs her roots done, so -"
"DAWN!' Buff snapped. "Can we leave my roots out of this discussion?"
Xander turned to his best friend for support. "Willow? You're a girl! You can help!"
Willow smiled wryly, "Thanks for the heads up, Xander . . . but still gay here . . . not exactly the expert in gauging the male hotness factor . . . "
Tara smiled and squeezed Willow's hand, ducking her head shyly. "Sorry Buff . . . Y, not much help here either."
Buff snorted. "Yeah? You both seemed to be 'gauging the male hotness factor' just FINE a minute ago, when Spike was here. Don't tell ME you don't-"
"Buff-Y! MAY I continue?" Giles interrupted wearily.
"Sorry . . . " Buff muttered and sat down at the table, leaning back and resting his elbows on the chair backs beside her, his legs sprawled apart. Silence. Buff looked around . . . everyone was staring at her/him solemnly. 'What?" She glanced down at his posture and sat up, bringing her legs together and putting his hands in her lap. She then ran one hand through his hair, which took no time at all, and said, 'Go on Giles, we're all listening . . . "
The back door opened and Spike quietly entered, bringing the smell of second-hand smoke with him. He leaned against the back wall, arms folded, reluctant, uncomfortable, but there in all his alpha male goodness. He met Buff's searching look with a slight nod.
Buff turned her attention back to Giles, his heart a little lighter.
"Greg came in here looking for lanthium powder." Giles began again.
"Right, he used it all on Buffy," Xander agreed, nodding.
"He also told us that only Buffy could turn herself back into . . . herself. Yet . . . he wanted to purchase more lanthium powder. Why? Is he planning to change other women into men, or is lanthium used in other ways? Willow, do you know its properties?"
"I don't know off hand . . . I'll check . . . Tara . . . do you have the - no, the other one - the red one . . . yes, thanks baby." Willow turned to the index of 'The Big Red Book of Spells' and found 'lanthium'. "Here it is . . . page 253 . . . . . . oh . . . OH! Lanthium . . . derived from the L' anti . . . um . . . bush, used traditionally as one of several spices in Indian curries, is extremely hot and gave rise to the saying ' be careful with that, it will grow hair on your chest', because, when inhaled, it will . . . grow hair on your chest . . . oh Buffy! ewww-"
"Willow! Not now!" Giles made an odd clucking noise with his tongue. "What else does it say? Does it mention the duration of the . . . symptoms? Or a countering agent, perhaps?"
"There IS a footnote about duration . . . in connection with someone named Rob . . . wait, that's a separate entry . . . not relevant here . . . sorry guys, I got side-tracked." Willow smiled apologetically and went on. "Um . . . while the inhalation of lanthium by itself will cause certain secondary male characteristics, such as the afore mentioned hairy chestedness and the inexplicable desire to laugh at flatulence, complete though temporary gender change can be produced by the breathing of lanthium followed by the recitation of this spell . . .
"Male from female, now be born,
Soon to learn the pain of scorn.
As you breathe this dust of lanthium,
you'll be sorry NOW, by . . . .zanthium . . . "
Willow looked up at the disbelieving stares of her friends.
"You'll be sorry now, by ZANTHIUM?" Buff let his head drop on the table. Hard.
Willow shrugged. "With spells? It's the thought that counts."
"Yes, Willow, very interesting . . . is there ANYthing about a counterspell?" Giles rubbed the bridge of his nose and silently counted to 10 . . . for the 5th time.
"Ya da . . . ya da . . . pain of scorn . . . ya da . . . by . . . zanthium . . . ah-HA! 'The gender changing spell will be reversed when two conditions have been met: One - the subject experiences any of a number of humiliations suffered by normal males, including, for example: Repeated rejection by the opposite sex, premature ejaculation, or losing the 'who can pee the farthest' contest EVERY single TIME . . . " Willow shook her head and muttered, "Who WROTE 'The Big Red Book of Spells' anyway, Woody Allen?"
Tara leaned over and read aloud: "And two - a second application of lanthium and a reversal chant by the original spellcaster. The two conditions must be met within the first 24 hours." Tara peered more closely at the page. "This reversal chant . . ."
She read silently for a moment and shook her head with a grimace. "It's just . . . it doesn't scan . . . "
Buff sighed and said, "Go ahead Tara. Let's hear it."
Tara cleared her throat and intoned:
"Woman back from man engendered
Visions of his plight now rendered
Lighten up on feminine meanness . . .
Guys are not just balls and penis!"
No one spoke for a moment. Then Spike slapped Buff on the back and said, "Right then! You, uh . . . get busy with what you have to do, and I'll get Greg back here to do what he has to do." With that, Spike strode out the door.
"Ok!" Xander rubbed his hands together heartily. "Time to decide, Buffy." He looked at the clock over the door. "I'd say you have about 16 hours left. Time to pick one from column A, Buff . . . .ster. What's it going to be?"
Buff looked around at her companions. Dawn was clearly and annoyingly enjoying her predicament. Anya was taking it all in stride, but then, she'd probably done curses much worse than this. Giles was obviously uncomfortable, and Xander . . . he was being as helpful as he could, but this was something she'd have to decide for herself. Willow and Tara . . . .hmmmm . . .
"I've decided," Buffy declared. "I know what I have to do."
***
End of Chapter 6